“You never listen!” “You’re always pressing that phone!” “Why must you shout every time?” If these lines sound familiar from your home, whether with a spouse, a sibling or your parents, you’re not alone. Most quarrels aren’t really about the dishes, the money, or who forgot to buy fuel for the generator again. They’re about not feeling heard. The good news is that better communication is a skill, and it can be learned.
Better communication in relationships comes down to a few habits: listening to understand rather than to reply, raising issues gently, expressing your feelings and needs clearly with “I” statements, avoiding criticism and contempt, and repairing quickly after an argument. These habits work with partners, parents, siblings, friends and colleagues.
Key takeaways
- Most communication problems come from people not feeling heard or respected.
- How a conversation starts often decides how it ends. Start gently.
- Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling are major warning signs in relationships.
- Small daily appreciation builds the goodwill you need for hard conversations.
Why communication breaks down in Nigerian homes
Stress is a big factor: long commutes, power cuts, money pressure and noisy, crowded homes leave little patience at the end of the day. Culture plays a part too. Many of us grew up in homes where children didn’t question elders, husbands and wives didn’t “wash dirty linen” in front of others, and feelings weren’t discussed openly. Some learned that the loudest voice wins. Others learned to keep quiet and keep the peace, until it all boils over.
These patterns make sense given how we grew up, but they don’t have to continue. Respect and honest conversation can go together.
The “Four Horsemen” to watch out for
From decades of research observing couples, psychologist John Gottman identified four communication patterns that strongly predict relationship breakdown:
- Criticism: attacking the person rather than the behaviour. “You’re so selfish” instead of “I felt hurt when you went out without telling me.”
- Contempt: mockery, insults, eye-rolling and sarcasm. Gottman found contempt to be the single strongest predictor of divorce.
- Defensiveness: excuses and counter-attacks instead of taking responsibility. “Well, what about what you did last year?”
- Stonewalling: shutting down, giving the silent treatment or walking out mid-conversation.
The antidotes are simple to describe, though they take practice: a gentle start-up, appreciation, taking responsibility and calming down before you continue.
8 habits for better communication
1. Listen to understand
Put your phone face down, look at the person and let them finish. Then sum up what you heard: “So you’re saying you feel alone with the children in the evenings?” You’ll be surprised how often people just want to feel understood.
2. Use “I” statements
Instead of “You never help at home,” try: “I feel overwhelmed when I come back from work and handle the cooking and the children alone. I’d like us to share the evening tasks.”
3. Start gently
Gottman’s research found that the first few minutes of a conversation often predict how it ends. Compare “Oya, we need to talk about your mother” with “Can we find a time this weekend to plan your mum’s visit together?”
4. Choose the right time and place
Avoid serious discussions when either of you is hungry, exhausted, just back from traffic, or in front of relatives and children.
5. Be specific
Talk about one issue at a time, with a recent example. Words like “always” and “never” make people defensive.
6. Validate feelings
You don’t have to agree to acknowledge: “I can see why that upset you.” Validation lowers the temperature of almost any conversation.
7. Take a break when emotions run too high
If you feel your heart racing and words are getting harsh, agree to pause for 20–30 minutes and come back. That isn’t the same as stonewalling, because you’re promising to return.
8. Repair and appreciate
Apologise sincerely, use humour where it fits, and say thank you for small things. “Thank you for fixing the generator today” builds goodwill for harder conversations later.
A before-and-after example
Picture Tamuno and his wife Ebiere in Port Harcourt. The old pattern: Ebiere says, “You’re always on that phone, you don’t care about this family.” Tamuno replies, “And who pays for everything in this house?” Both go to bed angry.
The new pattern: Ebiere says, “I miss talking with you in the evenings. Can we keep phones away during dinner?” Tamuno replies, “You’re right, I’ve been distracted by work. Let’s try it this week.” Same issue, completely different outcome.
Talking with parents and elders
Respect and honesty can go together. Choose a calm time, use respectful words, focus on one specific behaviour, and show that you’re asking because you care: “Daddy, I love that you check on me. Could we agree on calls after 7pm, so I can concentrate at work?”
Try this this week
In your next disagreement with someone close to you, try just one thing. Before you respond, sum up what they said (“So you’re saying you feel…”) and ask if you got it right. Notice how quickly the temperature of the conversation drops.
Frequently asked questions
How do I talk to a partner who shuts down?
Choose a calm moment, start gently, and reassure them that you want to understand, not to win. Allow short breaks if they feel overwhelmed. If the pattern continues, consider seeing a qualified counsellor together.
When should we see a counsellor?
If the same arguments keep repeating, contempt has crept in, or you feel disconnected or unsafe, a licensed counsellor or trusted marriage counsellor can help. If there is any violence or abuse, prioritise your safety and seek help immediately, including calling 112 in an emergency.
How do I communicate better with my parents?
Pick a calm time, speak respectfully, focus on one specific issue, and explain your reasons with care. Listening fully to their concerns first often makes them more open to yours.
Final thoughts
You don’t need perfect words to communicate well. You need patience, respect and the willingness to listen first. Practise one habit at a time, and watch your home become calmer, your friendships deeper and your work relationships easier.
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Related reading
- How to handle conflict in relationships
- Emotional intelligence
- How to set healthy boundaries
- Lonely in a new city? 7 ways to build connection
Sources
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown.
- The Gottman Institute. The Four Horsemen: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
- Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233.
Written and fact-checked by the Mindset.ng Editorial Team in line with our Editorial Policy. Last updated: 8 October 2026.
